goodbyes

I haven't been here for so long, but I find I have the need to talk a few things through and this is the only place I know where I can do it without it coming back to bite me. I have so much to gain and so much to lose from my relationships - I guess that is pretty normal. I can't believe what happened when I saw you last. I don't know if it was me, but somehow things didn't quite click. I know it's normal to blame oneself and I know maybe I'm being paranoid, but I really don't expect to hear from you again. Was it something I did or didn't do? or was it that the reality didn't match the dream? Whatever was going on, it wasn't comfortable. In fact I nearly ran for my life on that last morning. I nearly had myself convinced to pack my bags and leave - cut my losses, send a REAL message and get away with my pride intact. But I couldn't do it. I kept blaming myself and hoping it would all be OK and that you really did care, or some such drivel. But on the other hand - I won't crawl either, so don't expect me to come pleading for a little loving when you're down and out. After all this time you should know how much I care about you but you should also know I won't grovel. So, if you don't want me any more - so be it. So long.

I’m feeling a bit philosophical today ( must be the time of year) so pardon me but I think I’m going to inflict the long rave on you. I’ve had a really tough week and I’m being nice to myself for a change to make up for it. Thus the need for philosophy - much better than interminably going over and over your problems and mistakes in your head.

I was thinking about the holidays (longingly) and that lead me on to thinking about you and how much I miss ‘talking’ to you in the holidays. That lead me on to thinking about how much I know about you and how much I don’t know. I feel that I know you so well but don’t know you at all, both at the same time. Does that make sense? I think it’s an interesting conundrum, that I can share such intimate memories with you yet I know so little about the person you are in your daily life, much less what you were like when you were younger.

Where am I going with this? I’m not sure.

Michael turning 19 made me wonder what you were like at that age and that made me remember what I was like. Not a pleasant memory really because the year I was 19 was probably the worst year of my life and better forgotten. I suppose that whole notion of leaving some things unsaid is complex in itself. Why do we choose not to reveal some things? Is it self protection, shame, deliberately misleading or just the fear of being judged unfavourably? Of course we all do this all the time - layers of protection or masks for different situations.

And that’s part of what makes relationships so interesting. Our relationship is particularly fascinating because it is unlike any other. How can I explain?

In a marriage you have your mask which is made up of the compromises that you make to keep the peace. You start off with little or no mask, all idealism and closeness and understanding. But over the years things change and you gradually accumulate a bit of armour to protect yourself and you begin to choose your fights very carefully. Until one day you find you have left so many things unsaid for so long, that your whole relationship has changed entirely.

Our relationship is more like a tissue paper collage on a sheet of glass - lots of coloured fragments scattered here and there with a few more solid vivid bits. Or perhaps an incomplete tapestry? There’s lots of spaces to fill in if we like (which could be fun), but even as it is its a beautiful thing.

 Forgive me, but my heart is in my mouth and the truth will out!

I've just been reading my mail from our local environment group and feel a bit overwhelmed by all that needs to be done. There is a new marine park (conservation area) proposed for the area which is good news but unfortunately the government is caving in to pressure from various industries. As a result many areas which have high preservation value including habitat of endangered and threatened species are not being included. Must write a submission (message to self). Meanwhile trying to minimise my 'footprint' (ie. use of resources) by recycling, composting, conserving energy etc. But will it be enough?

I've been very concerned lately about how we (the human race) are rapidly using up our precious earth's resources. Listening to interviews with Al Gore about his movie 'An Inconvenient Truth' has brought the message home to me with even more impact than usual. The world is so crazy! Some places where people are starving and others where people are literally eating themselves to death. Why do we need to consume so much? Does anyone else feel helpless in the face of this cycle of abuse?

I'm cutting back on my homework - well trying to anyway. My days are long - I'm there by eight and don't leave until 4:30 - 5:00 pm. So I'm trying to do everything in the hours I'm there - planning, preparation, marking, programming. I've already noticed a drop in at home stress. Some homework will still be necessary at times - reporting, for instance. But overall this should be a plus for my sense of well-being. I get this wonderful sense of freedom. More Please!

I received an apology from an ex-boyfriend the other day. What made it especially surprising is that it was only 8 years too late! It (the apology) came by e-mail, through one of those reunion sites. Thank goodness I've never fully registered or I'd be able to reply. I don't want to reply so just as well. It (the apology) said "forgive me for my behaviour last time we met - I was feeling lonely and needy". I knew that but it still doesn't excuse his behaviour. He expected me to sleep with him, even though, we hadn't been together for almost 10 years and I was married with kids. I won't be replying. I don't need that kind of grief in my life. At least I can smile about it now.

In so many ways............... Do you write to me out of duty or interest? Do you care at all? I doubt that you feel little more than slight titillation while I hold you in high regard. Does it make you feel more attractive? Sexy? To know that you are wanted - could have it all? I thought it was more than that, but - big fool me! Where did I read that the one who cares the least has the most power in a relationship? It's true. It hurts but it's true. And there's the rub - I will not stoop to grovelling and begging for your affection. I know it will hurt me much more than you to stop this, but I'm not going down that path again. Let it go - let it go.

How do we survive this life? This struggle? We dare not look at one another with truth for fear we may reveal all. Ah! I survive.

I've been away some time from here and reading back it comes to me how little I knew myself. And yet I have survived. I will not go back to those extremes - but rather forge on to new beginnings. Yes - I think I'm ready to be again what once I could not be. Perhaps this time it will all be easier? Hope springs eternal.

You have to do it
swallow that bitter pill
move on
forget
perhaps even forgive.

You see your part in this
muddied and bespattered
by lies and half-truths .
Your soul tainted by
omissions and denials.

How do you then?
Why would you not survive?
You see the shell of your existence
and you say
'I will survive!'

I'm absolutely terrified!!!
I have a 'mediation meeting' tomorrow.
Mediation between my boss and I.

Yeah - look -
it's a long story.

Somehow I have to get through it without:-
speaking my mind
losing my cool
getting upset.

Can I do it?
Will I cope?

I'm not too confident - but I hope the under-dog wins (that;s me) !!!!

I'm sick
and I'm a bit crazy - maybe?
No work today
I'm home but not resting.
Busy busy - clean this cupboard, rearrange this, tidy that.
I'm not thinking -
I'm focussed on this moment.
Rub, polish, wipe, clean, mop, dust .......
How better to keep that particular terror at bay?

Mindless, repetitive, lowly.
I meditate upon you.

Tomorrow comes
too quickly
Oh Yeah!

Endings can be like that -
sudden, final.
Some endings are different -
they sneak up on you.
You don't see the beginning until the end is upon you.
Funny that!

It's all part of the wheel of life.

Hold on -
here I go!

All work and no play makes me a dull girl.

Ever see the Shining? Creepy creepy Jack Nicholson going crazy and writing 'all work etc' over and over again? It's a fine moment in cinema when his wife realises what he has been so industriously working at.

What's my point?

We all find work dull and boring at some time or other so just stop whining about it and get it done.

Finished

Practicalities fill my head though I yearn and yaw   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   desiring only understanding       & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ; release from all that is not of me     ;    and for me.

Why is this path so difficult  &nbs p;     ;       it's hazards yet unfathomed  &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;   confusion ruling all?

I know not   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   yet I know I am all-knowing.

Peace

It's been a while
My friend, since I have been
Here with you.

Do you remember the moment
We touched?

Trembling - I remember.

How can can I say what the problem is , when I don't know myself?

Things just aren't working out, and the difficulties I have just keep spinning around in my head. Widdershins? That seems to be the descriptive word.

Where is clarity, decisiveness, confidence, determination? I've lost it all somewhere in this maelstrom I call my life.

So - what can I say? Help needed?

She smiled - her arms wide in welcome - 'I'm so glad to see you back'.    & nbsp; 

We talked at each other - filling the gaps in our time apart - this dance we join, a ritual of friendship. Together we are whole, though still we are our separate parts.

At last I see it's time - we swim apart through the gathering evening - a smile still printed on our lips.

And so it's come to this - I see you smirk.

So sure of yourself, so at ease.

And here am I, a firestorm of rage and humiliation. Betrayed. Bedraggled. Beaten.

If only I could stand alone and say, "I don't need you. Leave me alone! I don't need any of you!"

But that would be another lie - wouldn't it? I see you smirk.

I still need you to be there, ephemeral in all but thought,
To know your mind caresses me at times unguarded.
I see you not, yet I know you well.
You are there -
I am here.

And that is at once our grace and our tragedy.

I write to you and hope you understand.

I’ve got Sunday afternoon-itis in a big way. The weather here is totally foul - freezing cold, rain & blowing a gale so not much to do but stay inside. I’m supposed to be working on my program but I keep getting distracted & stopping to watch the odd Olympic event or 2. That could be fine but the problem is I can’t seem to relax with Monday looming nightmarish.

However I’m not writing just to whinge! (Thank goodness you think?) I didn’t quite finish what I was going to say on Friday but now I’ve lost the right words. I don’t think I ever really know what to say. Thoughts fly but only a mere few make it into solid letter form, to take on a meaning not precisely like the original thought. My meaning - your interpretation. And that which is in between? Perhaps it’s intuition?
I’m glad you understand!

Do you?

I've lost my way again in the day to day actions of my life.

This facade, my skin, feels ill-fitted - it's not what it seems.

What the hell?

What's happening?

Why me?

She calls plaintively - Help!

He hangs on my back, clinging ardently to my absent desire;
Reminding me of lost opportunities, regrets, guilt, remembrances.
I know him well - this black dog - depression!
His embrace is familiar, almost comfortable -
his needs relentless, bottomless, all-consuming.
I succumb - loose limbed, inert -
to his probing domination.
I ride my black dog - between ecstasy and release - spinning ever down.
Then cries my soul.

A message came from you, my dear,
Expressing so, so much of life's anguish, hurt and despair.
Empathically I wrung my hands and shed the hopeless tears
Wishing I could erase your grief.
But all I have to offer is my friendship - perhaps a warm embrace if we chance to meet - and a kindred heart.
Take care my love.

I walk inside my brain like branches slipping into the distance;
I see my steps of giants hasten to miniature
As I race the path to my destruction.
The way divides and all-longing fingers of thought fondle the quiet corners of my mind.
Yet reason and ambition, desire and determination, pride and duty,
Stride their own journey into oblivion.